October 15th, 2009

chairleg of truth

Watchin' movies...

So it's 2am and I'm poking around Hulu looking for something to entertain myself. The horror movie section is dry and boring so I scan down through the latest added/suggested titles/whatever sidebar and come across a little ditty from 1994 called Jailbait.

From Hulu: "When a cop crosses the line and gets involved with a beautiful teen-aged murder witness he discovers an international sex slave network kidnapping runaway American girls and exporting them overseas."

I know what you're thinking "hurr hurr hurr there is some hot teenaged--" No. It's not even about that. It's on THE INTERNET. If you want to see hot teenaged whatever, type that shit into google image search. Yes, the movie has tits in it but again, it's on THE INTERNET. Go elsewhere for better. This thing is all about the schlock. Regular late-night cable channel USA Up-all-night B-movie fare, right? I figured it would be laughably bad and I didn't have anything better to do so I put it on. Wow. This film isn't just bad, it's a mindbending fever dream of awful. It probably came out as a Showgirls clone back in its day as it features some of the same elements (new girl right off the bus--only substitute LA for Vegas--wants to be a dancer) but when you clone a bad movie what do you get? If Michael Keaton taught us nothing in Multiplicity it is that when you make a copy of a copy it doesn't come out as sharp, right? It's got a kungfu cop (why?), not quite buddy-partner death (what? when was this part of the plot given time to develop?), brain breaking plot contrivances (frequent and gratuitous), and plot holes that make you go "wha?" In fact, about 2/3 of the movie made me go "wha?" It has a scene where some random street urchin on rollerskates steals from some store owner, the guy chases her outside where she runs into the movie's heroine. The shopkeeper comes out, complains about damn punk kids then says, "they think they're fast? I'll show them fast!" and proceeds to do a tapdance routine. Wha? How about these gems of screenwriting: "You cops always think you can push people around! Especially women!" as the heroine of this tale changes her sodden shirt in a police station utility closet with a conveniently placed opaque window and equally conveniently placed backlight. When our heroine is confronted with the fact that her sister is a hooker she retorts boldly "My sister is a Hollywood singer!" This thing is glorious in its awfulness. It makes skin-emax look like masterpiece theater. It makes Showgirls look like Citizen Kane. It's got C.-motherfucking-THOMAS HOWELL! King of the late '80s and early '90s B-movies! While I haven't seen The Room (yet) I'd argue that, based on reputation alone the two are at least comparable. Definitely check this beastie out while it's still on Hulu. All this thing needs is an MST3k commentary to make it complete.